Smokey The Bear Can’t Believe This Was The Week He Went On Vacation
“I just wanted one week. ONE GODDAMN WEEK OF MAGIC IN THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH.”
Category Archives: Nation
US News Editor to Morty: “I Made You Top 10, Now Let My Family Go”
“Please, I have delivered on my part. Let me hold my son, Zachariah ‘Zac-Attack’ Zuckerman, again. Let me see my wife, Zora Zelda Zuckerman. I even made you #15 in Best Value Schools, right above the University of Chicago!”
Elizabeth Warren Releases DNA Test Revealing She Is 1/64 Golden State Killer
An aide to the Warren campaign said, “We’d like to make it perfectly clear: Elizabeth Warren is NOT a killer. The only thing killer about her is her killer ‘bod.”
Ketchup on Toast Making a Comeback Among Recently Divorced Fathers
Experts say that this newfound popularity with recently divorced fathers has been the result of an increase in microwave ramen and Easy-Mac prices across the country.
Health Services Reminds Sick Students to Rest Up, Drink Water, and Cough in Mudd Library
Northwestern University Health Services sent out an email last Monday reminding sick students to rest up, drink lots of water, and cough extra loudly in Mudd Library.
Flipside Investigative Report: Where Do All the Uneaten Dining Hall Chickpeas Go?
Where do all the uneaten chickpeas go? A Qatar-based cryptocurrency is only the beginning of the story…
Magician Who Pulled Quarter From Trump’s Ear Named New Treasury Secretary
“Given Duke’s ability to generate money from ears, combine two rings into one, and materialize rabbits from his hat, he is overqualified for the position.”
Mississippi State Bans Hog Fucking After Incident
“The kids are still going to be fucking hogs. We all know it. But now those kids are going to be fucking corn-fed hogs. Maybe even hogs grown in cages and forced to take growth hormones. Believe me, this university is going to see a spike in hog-fucking-related injuries.”
What Net Neutrality Means For Us
(INSERT BITCOIN TO UNLOCK FULL ARTICLE)
Democrats Pull Off Major Victory in War on Christmas
“I can’t wait to personally feed every hardworking family’s Christmas tree into a wood chipper.”