“I never thought I would ever have the urge to call Morty a dame,” said Michael “But there I was, holding my eyeballs in their sockets so they wouldn’t pop out like a Looney Tunes horndog.”
If you want to see a man’s face light up, get him something that will leave his legs shaking and booty aching.Â
“Do you think China pardons an animal before they consume thousands of members of their species? Of course not, so it’s time for us to stop being a bunch of wusses and slaughter them all.”
“There are about 9 million types of ground-up whitefish in your standard Gefilte,” said new company spokesperson Benjamin Cohenbaum-Goldsteinfarb. “I’m sure at least a few of them live in the Gulf, and I’m sure at least a few of those are Jewish and would appreciate some free supplies to celebrate the festival of lights.”
Jimmy John told reporters. “Now they have something else out of the toilet to work for—being decent enough at a sport to earn Charmin’s soft, gentle kiss.”
69 sweatshop workers, of which 68 were lazy, slacking children, were reportedly trampled, maimed, or otherwise injured during the event.
The paranormal need to sample your drinking tendencies doesn’t care for your school’s non-denominational winter break one bit.
“We cannot definitively say whether the impact of COVID was positive or negative, only that it existed” said lead researcher Daniel Hamphery. “Honestly if you guys could spread it around some more that would make it much easier for us to see what’s up in the future.”
“The bond that John and Anna Marie share is akin to that of a chemical bond between two francium atoms — unbreakable.”
“This trendy sweater can come in an array of colors and patterns to nail your socioeconomic struggles to a tee. Warm tones give off a sense of tension between the ugly, puppy-kicking, businessy businessman and the sensitive farmhand that Eloise has fallen truly, madly deeply in love with.”