From the Author: Help, Please. Get Me Out of Here. I’m Stuck At This Permalink
God, what a strange week I’ve had.
DJ Moondog Sued By Estate of Famed Canine Cosmonaut Laika
“As it stands, Moondog’s face is a disgrace to the entire space race.”
“They Cut Me Out, And Now It’s Time To Pay,” Cackles A Third Johnson In New Blackmail Video
“Because of my unbeatable toe fungus, I was the one voted out of the company.”
Local Student Cashes In Childhood State Quarter Collection To Buy Plan B
As it turned out, one entire book of state quarters doesn’t even cover a Plan B pill, even if the Michigan quarter is from 1962.
As Climate Crisis Intensifies, Jonas Brothers Re-Release Hit Song As “Year 2100″
The new track features a sick freestyle verse from Greta Thunberg, remixed over the death wails of a choking sea turtle.
New York High Schoolers Compete to Date DiCaprio: “We Need Someone to Buy Us Beer”
“We needed someone to buy us beer,” said Josie Cuervo, a junior. at Stuyvesant High School. “Then my friends and I heard Leo DiCaprio was sniffing around for younger women to date. Seemed to me like this might be the beginning of a beautiful partnership.”
Heartwarming: Northwestern Basketball Rekindles Relationships Between Hundreds of Estranged Fathers and Daughters
“In high school, I was lucky if my dad could remember my best friend’s name or what grade I was in. Now, we talk for hours on the phone about our favorite players on the team and he knows absolutely everything about them. It’s crazy!”Â
Bribery, Groveling, and 3 Other Ways to Get Off the Waitlist for That Class You Need to Graduate
The odds that your professor has done something problematic that has ended up online are incredibly high. All you need to do is find the evidence.Â
Op-Ed: In A World Full Of “Tits Or Ass,” Be A Lymph Nodes Guy
Cause you see, I’ve seen you men. You men, who mock your beautiful girlfriends and their Korean skincare collections, their pimple patches and their salicylic acid serums. And one day, when she’s had enough of you dipping into her Olaplex budget to buy battle passes, she’s going to look to someone who understands her. Someone who cares that Glossier just got added to Sephora. Someone that will, oh, I don’t know, rub her neck when she’s stressed out.
Director Christopher Nolan Releases 5th Chinese Spy Balloon in Order to Create a World War III Film Without CGI
Nolan said that the new movie will, “be 3 hours long, feature Cillian Murphy, and require 6 rewatches just to grasp the plot.”Â
“She Really Ate!” Local Student Actor Consumes Infant On Stage
“She really ate!” SESP sophomore Chi L’Dvour exclaimed. “I mean, I was expecting another sleepy Shanley production, but this Saturday midafternoon was the tastiest time I’ve had in a while!”
Top 13 People Currently Having a Better College Experience Than You
As winter quarter takes its toll, it seems like a great time to take a step back and reflect on how well literally everyone else in the world is doing.
CAPS, ZenLeaf Merge To Launch “Just Touch Grass” Campaign
Students who can’t turn that frown upside down after 3 CAPS appointments will receive vouchers for free flower.