A&O Ball Mosh Pit 90% Swaying, 10% Frat Boys Itching To Punch A Woman
āIf I get arrested one more time, my parents are gonna cut my allowance to only 5k a month.ā
āThey Cut Me Out, And Now Itās Time To Pay,ā Cackles A Third Johnson In New Blackmail Video
“Because of my unbeatable toe fungus, I was the one voted out of the company.”
Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei on War Ceasefire: āJesus Christ Is My One True Lord and Saviorā
Reporting from Tehran, Iran. Although the outbreak of war between the United States and Iran seemed destined to happen since the late Ayatollah Ali Khamenei came out in support of the full release of the Epstein files, less easily predicted was President Trumpās recent reversion to the Islamic Faith by reciting the Shahada on his Truth Social account. Not to be outdone, however, the new Supreme Leader of Iran and son of Ali Khamenei, Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei, publicly announced his conversion to Christianity by proclaiming
Your baby is literally ugly and I’m not gonna sugarcoat her
Your baby is a blobfish out of water on this here Earth and needs an appointment for a pediatric plastic surgeon. ASAP! And to think you would ask me to sugarcoat her? What kind of messed-up person are you?
Honestly It Shouldnāt Be That Hard to Avoid Eleven Bread for Eight Days
First of all, what do they mean when they say āeleven breadā? ElevenĀ piecesĀ of bread? Eleven slices? Eleven baguettes?
Op-ed: Which Chipette is best to perform at your divorced dad’s birthday party?ļæ¼
The Chipettes are sunshine and rainbows with a side of pizzaz. TheyāreĀ furry,Ā but theyāre notĀ furries, making them perfectly dad-appropriate. And they have just enough sass to entertain a man who has lost his personality and the love of his life.
These Are the Best Weights to Be
What weight should you be? This ever-salient question women around the world have debated since time immemorial, and men around the world have debated since Clavicular hit that guy with a Cybertruck last December.
Flipside attendance skyrockets after Timothee Chalamet says “no one cares about The Northwestern Flipside anymore”
At its most recent meeting, the Northwestern Flipside had record attendance. Hundreds of students crammed into Kresge 2415, eager to write satirical headlines, but, more importantly, to teach a lesson to none other than Timothee Chalamet. The peak in attendance came after Chalametās controversial comment about The Flipside, where in an interview he said, āI donāt want to be involved with The Flipside, or things where itās like, āHey, keep this thing alive!ā Even though itās like, no one cares
UN Peacekeepers Briefed On Disturbing Emergence Of Talitubbiesļæ¼
Over the hills and far away, Talitubbies DO NOT come to play. Tinky Winky, Dipsy, maLaalaa and Po are indistinguishable because they are under burkas. Hibatullah Akhundzada rises above the hills of Afghanistan but heās much scarier than ye olā teletubby as he does not have a cute, sexy, raspy British accent. Maybe if he had the accent, shakira law would be more acceptable. Still, hips don’t lie. They are coming for your children. United Nations peacekeepers were reportedly briefed
Op-Ed: As A Disabled-By-Choice Transgender Bisexual Hijabi Anglophone Quebecois, I Think Trump Is Doing A Pretty Good Job
Comrades,I never thought Iād say this, but lately I find myself noddingāhijab and allāat policy speechesthe reactionary francophone bourgeoise tell me Iām supposed to hate. As a disabled-by-choice,transgender bisexual hijabi anglophone QuĆ©bĆ©cois, Iāve slaved to create an attention-grabbingand deeply flawed political identity, and now I think Iāve found my soulmate.Take trade, for instance. Iāve long opposed free trade agreements because of how they exploit thedomestic proletariat and raise oat milk prices, so when a politician finally started talking abouttariffs, I
Op-Ed: Social media sucks these days! I miss when there was no toxicity or image-crafting, just a guy on horseback informing you of your son’s gruesome death at Gettysburg
We need to return to a simpler, better age: when the only social media was an army officer riding to your farm on horseback to tell you that your son was blown to bits by General Leeās artillery at Gettysburg.
From the California Gold Rush (1849): “I Ain’t Sayin She’s a Gold Sifter, Ezekiel, But She Only Wants You for Your Fancy Pantaloons!”
I knew from the moment that Mary Elizabeth first laid her greedy eyes on the fake pearl buttons on your trousers in Fort Laramie that a gold-sifter was about to enter our lives. In that moment, she realized she had found her ticket to all the wealth of the west, because she found the kind of buster that would spend a whole half-dollar on some pantaloons.