A&O Ball Mosh Pit 90% Swaying, 10% Frat Boys Itching To Punch A Woman
“If I get arrested one more time, my parents are gonna cut my allowance to only 5k a month.”
“They Cut Me Out, And Now It’s Time To Pay,” Cackles A Third Johnson In New Blackmail Video
“Because of my unbeatable toe fungus, I was the one voted out of the company.”
SHOCKING: That Girl in the Dillo Crowd who Told You She’s “trying to get to her friend” is now at the Barricade with no Friends in Sight
You can already tell from the look on her face that she’s about to ask you a favor – or really demand one.
Breaking: “We Are Charlie Kirk” To Be Featured on Just Dance 2027
Definitely-not-AI-generated hit song “We Are Charlie Kirk” by celebrated artist Spalexma will be featured on the 2027 edition of popular video game Just Dance.
Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei on War Ceasefire: “Jesus Christ Is My One True Lord and Savior”
Reporting from Tehran, Iran. Although the outbreak of war between the United States and Iran seemed destined to happen since the late Ayatollah Ali Khamenei came out in support of the full release of the Epstein files, less easily predicted was President Trump’s recent reversion to the Islamic Faith by reciting the Shahada on his Truth Social account. Not to be outdone, however, the new Supreme Leader of Iran and son of Ali Khamenei, Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei, publicly announced his conversion to Christianity by proclaiming
Op-Ed: Your baby is literally ugly and I’m not gonna sugarcoat her
Your baby is a blobfish out of water on this here Earth and needs an appointment for a pediatric plastic surgeon. ASAP! And to think you would ask me to sugarcoat her? What kind of messed-up person are you?
Op-Ed: Honestly It Shouldn’t Be That Hard to Avoid Eleven Bread for Eight Days
First of all, what do they mean when they say “eleven bread”? Eleven pieces of bread? Eleven slices? Eleven baguettes?
Op-Ed: Which Chipette is best to perform at your divorced dad’s birthday party?
The Chipettes are sunshine and rainbows with a side of pizzaz. They’re furry, but they’re not furries, making them perfectly dad-appropriate. And they have just enough sass to entertain a man who has lost his personality and the love of his life.
These Are the Best Weights to Be
What weight should you be? This ever-salient question women around the world have debated since time immemorial, and men around the world have debated since Clavicular hit that guy with a Cybertruck last December.
Flipside attendance skyrockets after Timothee Chalamet says “no one cares about The Northwestern Flipside anymore”
At its most recent meeting, the Northwestern Flipside had record attendance. Hundreds of students crammed into Kresge 2415, eager to write satirical headlines, but, more importantly, to teach a lesson to none other than Timothee Chalamet. The peak in attendance came after Chalamet’s controversial comment about The Flipside, where in an interview he said, “I don’t want to be involved with The Flipside, or things where it’s like, ‘Hey, keep this thing alive!’ Even though it’s like, no one cares
UN Peacekeepers Briefed On Disturbing Emergence Of Talitubbies
Over the hills and far away, Talitubbies DO NOT come to play. Tinky Winky, Dipsy, maLaalaa and Po are indistinguishable because they are under burkas. Hibatullah Akhundzada rises above the hills of Afghanistan but he’s much scarier than ye ol’ teletubby as he does not have a cute, sexy, raspy British accent. Maybe if he had the accent, shakira law would be more acceptable. Still, hips don’t lie. They are coming for your children. United Nations peacekeepers were reportedly briefed
Op-Ed: As A Disabled-By-Choice Transgender Bisexual Hijabi Anglophone Quebecois, I Think Trump Is Doing A Pretty Good Job
Comrades,I never thought I’d say this, but lately I find myself nodding—hijab and all—at policy speechesthe reactionary francophone bourgeoise tell me I’m supposed to hate. As a disabled-by-choice,transgender bisexual hijabi anglophone Québécois, I’ve slaved to create an attention-grabbingand deeply flawed political identity, and now I think I’ve found my soulmate.Take trade, for instance. I’ve long opposed free trade agreements because of how they exploit thedomestic proletariat and raise oat milk prices, so when a politician finally started talking abouttariffs, I