Morty Transfers Power to Rebecca Through Passing of Ceremonial Anti-Protester Fire Hose
After all, any NU student worth their salt knows the old adage: “more hose, more woes.”
Heartbreaking! Hot Guy in Your English Class Caught Pulling Down Mask Not Actually Hot
“Ladies, take him swimming on the first date so you can see what he looks like without a mask.”
University Rolls Out Squid Game-Style Competition to Secure Spot on CAPS Waitlist
“We’re eliminating so much more than just students,” one local administrator explains. “We’re eliminating the stigma around mental health here on campus. We’re doing real work here.”
Willard Residents Have “Night of Their Lives” After Drinking 2 Truly’s and Singing Showtunes by the Piano
Reports indicate that this party, which lasted through the night (2 AM), was more of a celebration of the theatre (“pronounced thee-ate-her, you classless hack!”), and definitely not a one-up contest of who was the better Tevye in their high school’s production of Fiddler on the Roof.
Ask Flippy: Does she like me, or did she just need the dryer empty?
Before I knew it, I had run out of cool gay fits to showcase
RA’s “Take One” Condom Box Somehow More Full 4 weeks later
“I guess I just didn’t expect my residents to be that unable to get laid.”
Protected: Op-Ed (John Jameson Perspective): Just an “I am Weed” Guy Looking for My “You Smell Like Weed” Girl
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Op-Ed: How to Drive a Wedge Between Every Campus Couple So They Can All Be as Sad as You
I conducted a completely unbiased poll sent exclusively to other lonely singles, and—sure enough—we have a scourge of couples on campus.
Northwestern Implements New Rectal COVID Testing
Northwestern Administration figured there may as well be an enjoyable experience at the end of the long-ass wait.
Morton Schapiro Offers U.S News & World Report ‘One Last Quickie’ Before Retirement
In his last year as the President of the Northwestern University, Morton Schapiro has announced that he will exit with a literal bang. After a series of complicated negotiations that incidentally involves a Flipside negotiator losing his innocence to U.S. President Joe Biden, Morty has finally allowed our journalists to check out the process of his last ditch attempt to bump Northwestern up to #8 on the U.S. News & World Report’s Best Colleges rankings. “You know, it’s not easy being the