New A24 Coming Age of Film Set to Feature DaBaby as DaAntagonist
DaBaby was asked for comment, but he merely shouted “LET’S GOOOOO!”
From the Archives: Young Girl Collapses From Too Much Deliberation About Whether To Wear the Arctic Monkeys AM Shirt with Black Tights or the Lorde Shirt with Gray Tights to Show Lucas From Language Arts That She’s Not Like Other Girls
“I was trying to find the perfect outfit to show Lucas from language arts that I’m, like, totally random and adorkable!”
Professor’s Shirt Oddly Wet, Refuses to Address It
Even after the mysterious liquid started to drip onto Ockwerd’s Original Macbook Pro, he made no mention of the trail of sludge coating his “Right Twice a Day” handouts.
Dining Hall Sign Worryingly Deems Bananas Are “Now Spider-Free”
“So what, they were giving us fucking spider-filled bananas this whole time and they’re just NOW telling us? I’m disgusted.”
Compass Group Offers NU Dining Union Print-outs of NU Flipside Articles as Health Plan
Unfortunately, the articles were so life-threateningly unfunny, they are thought to have been able to transmit dysentery.
After Substantial Anonymous Donation, All NU Students Must Change Own Names to “Ryan”
“Not only will every student, professor and administrator be required to change their first and last names to ‘Ryan,’ this is now Ryan University, in Ryan, Illinois, and we only have one major – Ryan.”
Tragic! Sophomore Forgets Classes Are in Person, Whips Out Dick in Discussion.
We were going over Come Slowly – Eden by Dickinson, when suddenly Richard pulled it out and came fast
Ask Flippy: Why the Fuck Do the NAVICA People Ask if I’ve Taken the Test Before and Then Recite the Directions to Me Again? We Both Know That I Know Asshole
The other day, I went to get my second semiweekly rapid test, expecting the interaction to be the same as usual: walk in, show my silly little apps to the workers, and engage in the voyeuristic practice of having a mid-twenties man make fierce eye contact while I twirl a silly little q-tip in my nose. But all of a sudden, it’s gotten so much worse!
Disturbing New Study Shows Placing Head Inside Running Microwave Oven May Be Linked to Cancer
Putting one’s head inside a running microwave could allegedly, maybe, possibly cause cancer.
“Sussy” And 50 Other Words I’d Rather Die Than Hear Alvin of Alvin and the Chipmunks Say
“Uwu”