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Category Archives: Business

[NU Spork] Norbucks’ Barista Training Faces Criticism

December 2, 2012 Caroline Picard Leave a comment

EVANSTON — The Starbucks in Norris Student Center, popularly known as “Norbucks,” recently announced it is now hiring new baristas; the training program is slated to last from now until forever. In efforts to employ more students, Norbucks will continue to hire inexperienced applicants and provide them with valuable job skills such as defrosting pound cake and differentiating between tall and small. The program is under criticism from various sororities, such as Quad-Delt, whose chapter president said Norbucks’ poor customer

World Bank Hazes the Shit out of New President

April 19, 2012 Brian Lee Leave a comment

Kim was forced to consume copious amounts of alcohol, run around the National Mall half naked while blindfolded, drink a gallon of milk mixed with water from the Potomac River, deny emergency loan requests from Angola, and be quizzed on facts of the founding of the institution.

Read more Business, Nation, No. 80, Politics, World

Facebook Already Planning to Coat Everything in Shitty Sepia Filters

April 17, 2012 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

PALO ALTO, CA – Following a billion-dollar acquisition of popular photo-sharing app Instagram, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has announced a complete overhaul of Facebook’s user interface featuring Instagram’s characteristic “vintage” filters. The new interface will be launched without any warning to users within the next week. “This may be the biggest re-design we’ve ever done,” Zuckerberg declared from Facebook’s Palo Alto headquarters. “Expect some major Instagram integration in the coming days. Like pictures of lakes at sunset? There’s gonna be

Michelin Reviews the Keg, ***

February 8, 2012 Katie Prentiss Leave a comment

By Gloria Arugula Sitting down at the Keg of Evanston as some refreshing pop plays in the background, the first thing I notice is the ambiance. Quiet Northwestern students are studying at booths, enjoying some fresh Keg Popcorn. It’s a peaceful environment, but the dust collecting on the bar and poles is disconcerting. I order a hamburger and the server asks with a sigh if I’d like anything else to drink. Though the liquor license is gone, the Keg remains

EU Votes Against Bailing Greece Out of Jail

October 10, 2011 Flippy One comment

THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS – The International Criminal Court today announced that it would continue holding Greece in prison indefinitely as it was unable to find a country willing to pay the $532 billion necessary to make bond. Greece, awaiting trial for numerous crimes including kidnapping and false imprisonment of a Lacoste mannequin, assault and battery of an Albanian Gypsy, and grand larceny of a dozen Nair products from an Athens CVS, refused to comment through its lawyer. “It is tragic

Wheelbarrow Poised to Win Game of Monopoly

March 4, 2011 Brian Earl Leave a comment

ATLANTIC CITY – In what is surely a game for the ages, the wheelbarrow is about to win a game of monopoly. It has $1300 in cash and owns the red monopoly, consisting of Kentucky Avenue, Indiana Avenue, and Illinois Avenue. “I just knew my business was turning around when I landed on Indiana Avenue,” the wheelbarrow commented. “Seriously, there are now three stunningly beautiful houses here! Who wouldn’t want to stay in one of them and pay me $700

Read more Articles, Business, Entertainment, No. 53, Sports

Spin̈al Tap Unveils New 11G Network

January 12, 2011 Brad Horras Leave a comment

LONDON – Legendary 1980’s rock outfit Spin̈al Tap announced plans Thursday for the release of their own 11G wireless network to rival the current 4G technology operated by carriers such as Verizon, AT&T, and T-Mobile. “These other blokes are doing, you know, 3 or 4G, but we thought…why not eleven?” explained lead guitarist Nigel Tufnel, who found inspiration from his guitar amp’s volume range – which also extends fully up to 11. Technology analysts confirm that Tap’s surprise expansion into

Read more Articles, Business, Entertainment, No. 47

Health Standard for Happy-Meal Toys Causes Imports from China to Drop by 90%

November 10, 2010 Brian Earl Leave a comment

SAN FRANCISCO—The Chinese economy recently took a hit due to a new San Francisco law that bans restaurants from giving away toys with any meals deemed unhealthy. San Francisco, deemed one of America’s 100 fattest cities in 2010 by Men’s Health, immediately put a hold on all imports of Happy Meal toys. “We already had several warehouses full of toys for local restaurants,” said importer/exporter Art Vandelay. “With the new law, it will take years to get rid of all

Read more Business, Nation, No. 45, World

NU Best in Midwest, Second in Qatar

November 3, 2010 Tyler Dillon Leave a comment

NEW YORK—Last week Forbes magazine published its annual list of best colleges in the United States, naming Northwestern University as the best in the Midwest. To the confusion of campus officials, however, Northwestern’s Qatar branch fell short of the University’s overall ranking, reaching only second place in the Middle Eastern nation. The international campus, home to journalism and communication programs, fell just below the Doha Academy of Advanced Explosive Weaponry (DAAEW). Editors at the magazine cited prospects for future graduates

Taco Bell Mourns Loss with Limited-Edition Burritos Containing Founder’s Meat

February 1, 2010 Chase Sund Leave a comment

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—The death of Glen W. Bell Jr., founder of Taco Bell, has shocked the fast food nation. Despite his healthy lifestyle, Bell died at the young age of eighty-six. Though no details were released regarding the circumstances surrounding his death, TMZ has received reports that he suffered internal burns from a Volcano Taco. To commemorate Bell’s contributions to society, Tricon Global has developed a special burrito for limited release at select Taco Bells in accordance with his last