Local Woman Sets Bar for Romantic Partner On Ground; Local Man Starts Digging
âYâknow, I saw that she wanted me to treat her with a modicum of respect, and I was like, woah bitch, youâre kinda asking a lot. Crazy much?â
Category Archives: Featured
Uncle Bob Playing Drinking Game by Himself with No Rules at Thanksgiving Dinner
âUncle Bob just drinks consistently throughout dinner, but occasionally he says âCheers!â and clinks his wine glass and his vodka tonic together before downing both,â says Brenda.
“This Turkey Is Making Me Sleepy,” Says Aunt Lydia Who Is Three Quarters Of A Wine Bottle Deep
Your Uncle Luis then stood up and took away the bottle of wine and is said to have reassured the room that this was Lydiaâs first time drinking since giving birth to your baby cousin, Tommy.
Second Paper Cut of the Week Triggers Studentâs Long-Awaited Mental Breakdown
“Basically, if you bring up anything except the weather heâll start shaking uncontrollably.â
Northwestern Students Occupy Field to Protest Schoolâs Inaction Against Other Football Teams
âNorthwesternâs overreliance on outside zones cannot continue into the second decade of the 21st century.â
In Complete 180, The Daily Northwestern to Publish Names, Numbers, and Addresses of All Student Protesters
Weâre not going to let little things like âjournalistic integrityâ and ârestraining ordersâ stop us.
The Daily Rebrands to âThe Doily,â Northwesternâs Premier Crochet Interest Magazine
The Doily will still publish online every day, but print editions will only come out once every six years due to editorsâ commitments to crocheting cute little lace covers for every single copy.
Hong Kongers Acclimating To Democratic Changes, Reportedly “Can’t Complain” About Chinese Rule
“I suppose I canât say anythingâs wrong…no, I literally canât say anythingâs wrong.â
New Study Finds Cocaine Excellent Replacement For Eating, Sleeping, Blinking, etc.
Americans rejoiced last week as new study conducted by Harvard University concluded that cocaine served as an excellent alternative to mundane bodily tasks such as eating, sleeping, blinking, breathing, and having a pulse. âAfter we blew through all of the university grant money on low quality blow, we figured we should probably write some of it downâ said Isaac Conklin, head researcher on the project. âOur intern Carl was more than happy to let us pump a near-lethal amount of
Following Lead of âAvoiding Glutenâ Station, Allisonâs Kosher Station Rebrands to âAvoiding Sinâ
President Morton Shapiro, after consulting the University Board, released in a tweet that by 2020, Northwestern will be officially renamed âAvoiding UChicago.â