Op-Ed: Disney Plus? More Like Lib-ney Plus: How The New Streaming Service Pushes The Liberal Agenda
Yes, let me assure you, I will certainly not be getting Disney Plus â or, as I think it should be called, Lib-ney Plus!
Category Archives: Articles
Criminal Arrested for Laundering Money Through Take a Penny, Leave a Penny Service
NUPD released a statement on Tuesday night that theyâd caught a Mr. Johnny âThe Mouse*â Bilderson, Evanstonâs most prolific criminal. Mr. Bilderson has 0 robbery charges, 1 money laundering charge, and 17 loitering charges on his rap sheet, making him the most dangerous criminal in Evanston history. Johnny was caught when it was revealed heâd been laundering money for the various Evanston crime families (colloquially known as âfraternitiesâ) through a âTake a Penny, Leave a Pennyâ service in a deli
Fueled By Mango Vodka And Room-Temp Lean Cuisines, Junior Writes The Next Great American Novel
Matthew Steinway, a junior majoring in Creative Writing, has written the next great American novel after a 76-hour writing session fueled by mango-flavored vodka and microwavable Lean Cuisine meals. With baggy eyes and jittery hands, Matthew tells the Flipside, âThe writing I produced during the session will be regarded as the literary event of the millennium. It is an anti-war, anti-capitalism, both pre- and postmodernist hodgepodge that explores the deepest roots of what it means to be human, as well
In Complete 180, The Daily Northwestern to Publish Names, Numbers, and Addresses of All Student Protesters
Weâre not going to let little things like âjournalistic integrityâ and ârestraining ordersâ stop us.
The Daily Rebrands to âThe Doily,â Northwesternâs Premier Crochet Interest Magazine
The Doily will still publish online every day, but print editions will only come out once every six years due to editorsâ commitments to crocheting cute little lace covers for every single copy.
Hong Kongers Acclimating To Democratic Changes, Reportedly “Can’t Complain” About Chinese Rule
“I suppose I canât say anythingâs wrong…no, I literally canât say anythingâs wrong.â
New Study Finds Cocaine Excellent Replacement For Eating, Sleeping, Blinking, etc.
Americans rejoiced last week as new study conducted by Harvard University concluded that cocaine served as an excellent alternative to mundane bodily tasks such as eating, sleeping, blinking, breathing, and having a pulse. âAfter we blew through all of the university grant money on low quality blow, we figured we should probably write some of it downâ said Isaac Conklin, head researcher on the project. âOur intern Carl was more than happy to let us pump a near-lethal amount of
Following Lead of âAvoiding Glutenâ Station, Allisonâs Kosher Station Rebrands to âAvoiding Sinâ
President Morton Shapiro, after consulting the University Board, released in a tweet that by 2020, Northwestern will be officially renamed âAvoiding UChicago.â
Searle Doctor Declares Dead Body âFineâ after Strep Test Comes Back Negative
âHer body may be slowly eroding, but thatâs a-okay, because she definitely doesnât have Strep!â said Dr. Lou.
Area White Man from the South Side– of Wilmette
Gilberts is just like any other Northwestern student–a young man with a dream; a dream of maybe getting a right swipe from Becca in Econ 201.