Man Trying to Be Healthier Accidentally Buys Overripe Bananas, Must Bake Them into Banana Bread
Fuffler promised that his diet will be “all uphill once I finish this loaf.”
Monthly Archives: October 2020
Report: Boomer Just Wants a Plain Black Coffee, None of That Soy Mocha Bullshit
Many of the boomers polled are members of Done with the Injustice of the Coffee Kraze (DICK), an organization founded by Jack Goff, 69, to give boomers a safe space to vent.
High School Senior Captions Selfie “vote :)” in Stunning Display of Activism
When asked what made her decide to take this stand, Collins explained, “I looked really good in the photo. Oh, you mean the caption? Well, I just wanted to make an impact and encourage people to be politically active!”
Dad Encourages Black Mold Growth in House to Create Dorm Experience for Quarantined Freshman Scheduled to Live in Bobb
“Every day I hose down the walls. Then I turn on the heat on low, so we can marinate in the humidity.”
Local Sophomore Sexiles Self Just for the Nostalgia
Weinberg Sophomore Sarah Tennant is not on campus this quarter, but she has found one way to bring a little bit of the college experience home: by forcing herself out of her room while her “roommate” has someone over. “I realized that online classes and virtual hangouts with friends weren’t enough,” she said. “What I was really missing was awkwardly sitting in the dorm lounge trying not to think about my roommate and Kyle from Econ and what they’re doing
Purell Fandom “Displeased” With Culture Going Mainstream
In recent months, the FDA has released several warnings about certain hand sanitizer companies producing faulty content. This downgrade in average quality of hand sanitizer has concerned epidemiologists and doctors alike, but most perturbed are longtime self-proclaimed members of the hand sanitizer fandom. “It’s just disappointing,” said Sandy Teiser, 33. “Even my son, who would never wash his hands when told—let alone use soap—now carries five bottles of half-rate hand sanitizer everywhere he goes. There’s no way to distinguish between
This Day In History: That Time When Your 3rd Grade Teacher Let Josh P. Recalibrate the SMARTBoard Pen
“You know, it was completely unexpected,” said Parks, now 19. “When she called on me to recalibrate, I originally thought she meant the other Josh, Josh M. Never in a million years would I expect to be chosen for such a prestigious responsibility.”
Archaeology Club Hits Rock Bottom
“We knew he’d dig himself into a hole sooner or later.”
Op-Ed: I Can’t be the Impostor, I was Filling Out my Daily Symptoms on the Northwestern Symptom Tracker App
Taking advantage of the popularity of Among Us, Northwestern has decided to create a similar game to encourage students to complete tasks that they usually avoid, such as signing up for the NCA career fair.
Local Man Poses as Cardboard Cutout for Three Months to Infiltrate World Series
“The trick is to sit real still and not breathe too much,” describes Bregman, who claims he wanted to get the authentic ballpark experience without the hassle of paying for tickets or obeying pesky federal guidelines. “I got used to not breathing when I pretended to be dead so my kids could claim life insurance,” he said.