Over the last 8 months, the world has anxiously awaited the development of a cure for COVID-19. However, Pfizer has announced a new vaccine that successfully protects 90% of all people who take it against COVID-19. While many see this as the end-all to coronavirus, others are skeptical over the efficacy of the vaccine. “Ever since I signed up to test the vaccine, my balls have been itching”, said Jay Mast, who asked to remain anonymous, “at first I thought
Monthly Archives: November 2020
In an official statement released last week, a local frat brother has clarified that his body enters “heterostasis” when he sleeps. Thaddeus St. John, a second-year member of Hetta Hetta Rho, put out the official statement last Tuesday after his biology seminar. “It has come to my attention that most people enter a ‘homo stasis’ when they fall asleep,” St. John wrote in the statement, which he posted to his Instagram story on Tuesday afternoon. “I just want to clarify
“No, The COVID Swab Doesn’t Really Go Into Your Brain. Trust Me, I’d Know,” Says Local Man Once Abducted By Aliens
“These aliens, their probes went up my nose directly into my brain, and sucked big pink chunks of it out into an examination tube. I actually only have half a brain now.”
“Campus police have had to confiscate or outright destroy over 70 acoustic guitars in the name of aural preservation.”
Local Woman Unsure What Eye Color to Put on Driver’s License Because Her “Eyes Actually Change Colors”
“I used to think they change based on my mood, but now I think they actually change with the phases of the moon,” she continued.
Raised on a steady diet of Curious George and hand-cut carrot sticks, Montessori reportedly decided to turn to the sweet relief of processed, chemical-laden sugary snacks as a management tactic for his election anxiety.
“It wasn’t even a difficult word to pronounce,” Simmons admitted. “I just wasn’t prepared to be called on to read.”
Breaking: President Schapiro Allows First- and Second-Year Students to Visit Campus Once “As a Treat”
“All first- and second-year students can come visit campus once this winter, if they want,” said Schapiro. “You know, as a treat.”
Pence blames prostate exam on his exploratory phase in college, tells wife “I will do better next time”
What started as a routine check-up turned into an experience unlike any other, except maybe one other.
The public response appears to be mostly positive. The LGBTQ+ community has been quick to embrace this advancement of relations between machine and man, hailing it as “the Third Industrial Revolution”.