BrewBike Declared Nonessential Business During Pandemic, But Also Just in General
“We are requiring BrewBike to close its stores in Evanston immediately because it is not essential now nor has it ever been essential”
Category Archives: Featured
First Half of CDC Meeting Just Rose Bud Thorn
“We were totally gonna get to the whole testing kit thing, but Brandon brought up the point that ending on a thorn lets bad energy into the room,”
Op-Ed: Thank God Dillo is Online, I Couldn’t Find Funky Shorts to Match My Rainbow Tube Top
I found the perfect rainbow tube top at Urban this summer. Ever since then, I’ve been looking for the right pair of funky shorts, to no avail.
Oedipal Arrangement Terrible Mother’s Day Gift
“When she finally woke me up and I saw her in lingerie, I nearly stabbed my eyes out.”
Local Man’s Quirky Zoom Background Not Enough To Save His Failing Grade
“I don’t know who he thinks he’s impressing. It was sorta funny the first week of class, but now it’s just pathetic,” said concerned classmate John Masters.
Flat Earth Society Speaks Out Against Dr. Fauci: “The Curve Does Not Exist”
“Join our movement today and reject the orb-obsessed mainstream.”
California Student on Zoom Call Shows Everyone How Sunny His Backyard Is
“Huh? I don’t remember what background anyone had. Besides, can’t you just set your virtual background to anything?”
Fox Donates Masked Singer Costumes to Medical Professionals
“We saw this as a great opportunity to take care of our medical heroes,” said Megan Locke, a producer on the show. “Plus, the free publicity doesn’t hurt.”
Op-Ed: Why Using My Asshole As A Zoom Background Is An Artistic Statement
What better way, then, to light aflame the hearts and minds of my classmates than by plastering my puckered ass skin all over their laptop screens?
RTVF Major Replaces Classes with Criticizing Sister’s Tik Tok
“Wouldn’t you rather listen to a two-hour-long thorough analysis of the silent film The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari than watch a fifteen second video of a tween doing the woah?”