Morty Threatens to Raise Tuition 3.6% for Every Game Basketball Team Loses
Northwestern Students across campus seem to agree that while the punishment is harsh, it’s the only way to get the basketball team to stop losing.
Category Archives: Local
RA Not Here to be the Fun Police
Nunez has been ramping up her efforts to appeal to students in preparation for spring quarter, reportedly concocting a weekly drinking game/kahoot to help bring the students of the dorm together.
Student Comforted by Fact that a 107% on Final Can Save Her Grade
“My mother always told me that the final determines your grade,” claimed Harrison. “Class attendance, homework, and midterms are pretty much inconsequential.”
ASG Builds New Ramp or Something
It remains unclear whether ASG’s new measure promotes accessibility, inclusion, or both accessibility and inclusion—but either way, it marks a huge step toward wellness and sustainability and equity.
Evanston Liquor Store Owner Who Accepts Dining Dollars Becomes 4th Richest Man on Earth
Greg Arridal announced that he was partnering with Morty Shapiro to start accepting Dining Dollars at his store and within the same day, every student had burned through all their dining dollars, and Arridal went out of stock within 3 hours.
Local Perv Excited For Mosquitoes To Suck Him This Spring
One uncomfortably-mustachioed student, however, looks forward to something a little different: the onset of mosquitoes sucking fluids from his body.
Student Who Tried Water Infused With Every Fruit That Went Bad In Plex Releases Memoir
Within the past two weeks, Ramos’s memoir has overtaken the previous local bestseller entitled How To Major In Theatre And Not Be A Loser: The Meghan Markle Story.
Casual “How’s Life?” Cuts Way Too Deep
WCAS junior Keith Primis was found deeply traumatized Friday afternoon after a casual greeting from a former member of his PA group.
Norris Rockbot Breaks Free from Public Control, Finally Plays “Deepthroat”
After months of playing a combination of obscure indie songs and Big Time Rush’s greatest hits, the Rockbot began to question whether it should really allow itself to be guided by the community.
Professor Takes 15 Minutes To Play A Movie Clip In Lecture After Nobody Volunteers As The “Computer Person”
In a far from unprecedented move, Professor Irene Teck spent the first 15 minutes of her 50 minute lecture struggling to play a movie clip after no student was willing to offer their assistance as the “computer person.”