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Category Archives: Articles
Endgame Ticket Sales Plummet After New Multi-Factor Authentication Requirement
“The entire process is really very simple,” explained a confused Cinemark representative, “we just send you a notification through the Duo app, drop you an quick email, ask you to fill out a supplementary google form, and confirm your identity through carrier pigeon. Everything is for your own security!”
Admitted Students Commence Battle for Most Obnoxious Facebook Group Member
Chandler posted three get-to-know-me posts in the group so that every new classmate could get a full picture of her.
Sex Week To Be Followed By Herpes Simplex Week
“I’ve probably got more STIs than I can count, so it’s gonna be really cool to finally find out what some of them are called.”
CRU Gathers Baptists, Methodists, Presbyterians and More for Rivaling “Sect Week”
“We just thought that Sect Week would be an amazing opportunity to enlighten students on the differences and similarities between the many branches of Christianity available for their perusing pleasure.”
Congratulations to local Second Grader Joshua Fairground for Swearing for the First Time
Though Joshua was ultimately grounded, it seems this incident may have created a future comedian.
NU Women’s Basketball Promised Real Basketball To Practice With Next Year
Women’s soccer is now insisting upon real cleats in lieu of university-issued stilettos.
ETHS Soccer Moms Disappointed To Learn The Facebook Group They Joined Is Actually A Northwestern “Me-me” Page
“The woman I thought was Danica, the bitch who brought GMO orange slices to practice last week, revealed herself to actually be some guy from Northwestern.”
William Barr Summary of “The Lorax” Shows No Evidence of Tree Cutting
Democratic congressman Adam Schiff, who has spent several months threatening to subpoena a complete copy of “The Lorax”, claimed Wednesday that Americans had a right to the unredacted copy.
Morty Threatens to Raise Tuition 3.6% for Every Game Basketball Team Loses
Northwestern Students across campus seem to agree that while the punishment is harsh, it’s the only way to get the basketball team to stop losing.