Northwestern Implements New Rectal COVID Testing
Northwestern Administration figured there may as well be an enjoyable experience at the end of the long-ass wait.
Category Archives: Sci/Tech
Disturbing New Study Shows Placing Head Inside Running Microwave Oven May Be Linked to Cancer
Putting one’s head inside a running microwave could allegedly, maybe, possibly cause cancer.
Obit: Local Student Found Dead After Being on Hold with Residential Services About Mold in Bobb for 17 Hours
“By the time it went to voicemail sixteen hours later, spores were already growing out of her corpse.”
New Study Reveals 90% of Men Have Biological Need to “Just Add Onto That Point”
The study, conducted amongst top-ten ranking schools in collaboration with the Collective of United Mansplainers (CUM), revealed interesting neurological and physiological responses triggered in the male brain.
Mini Humidifier Working Hard
“My face is flakier than Northwestern’s male population, and my knees and elbows are so cracked that James Franco could get trapped down there for 127 hours.”
Professor Recognizes Student’s Canvas Introduction from Tinder Bio
“Here for a long time, not a good time”
Only Late-Night Texts Area Woman Getting Are From Color
“I got a text from Color last night saying ‘What that mouth do?’”
Instagram Announces that They’ll Automatically Block the Story Feature From All Theatre Kids Doing Takeovers On Opening Night
A whopping 78% actually report the accounts that posted the stories for spam content
Report: Candy Corn “Okay”
“Both candy corn and its enjoyers have no taste, will show up uninvited at your Halloween parties and can, if so compelled, clog up your ear.”
Op-Ed: Yes, My Zoom Photo is My Headshot. I Hate Myself as Much as You Hate Me
I know that people assume I am a pretentious asshole who is completely full of myself. All of these assumptions are valid.