“Jesus fucking Christ, please tell me this isn’t happening,” Jason Rothman (WCAS ’19) said as he shook his head in dismay.
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“We just thought that Sect Week would be an amazing opportunity to enlighten students on the differences and similarities between the many branches of Christianity available for their perusing pleasure.”
A DNA test recently revealed that Senator Elizabeth Warren is between 1/64th and 1/1,024th Native American, making her about as racially diverse as Northwestern. Junior Karla Driver was comforted upon hearing the news. “I think it’s important to have politicians who make wild and unsubstantiated claims to Native American ancestry,” said Driver, whose A in her freshman-year Gender and Sexuality Studies class entitles her to comment on most social issues. “We need politicians to look like a classroom on this campus:
“We wanted to distance ourselves from this debate over work culture and proper mental care to focus on what we think the university really stands for. Money.”
“Every time I hear her go ‘Havana ooh nana,’ a little part of me dies inside, and I feel my soul slowly wither away.”
Emerging reports indicate that as part of Sister Jean’s contract, “Northwestern Sex Week” will be officially renamed “Northwestern Fornication-is-a-sin Week.”
“Do I sometimes get jealous of other rankings and their hot Ivy League partners? Sure. But Morty is my man, and I think Northwestern University is a great school to be with,” the ranking said.
“I needed to find a way to make sure we won games,” Fitzgerald said, “and then it hit me, what would happen if we just got some points up on the board, and lo-and-behold, here we are today!”
“This explains so much about The Rock’s psyche,” he said to Flipside reporters, “It knows it’s a total failure compared to its cousin, so it covers itself in paint to mask its own inferiority complex. Truly fascinating.”
This is a foolproof list of creative locations that will have that hottie you’ve had your eye on ready to commit.