With the mighty Ohio State Buckeyes set to visit Northwestern on Friday evening, many students found themselves pessimistic, and in some cases completely resigned to defeat. But for one Medill sophomore, pessimism wasn’t a barrier to doing what she loves: putting down her opponent’s intellect. “I know our odds don’t look too great,” slurred Northwestern University sophomore Joanna Booth, in line outside of the student entrance at Ryan Field. “But there’s always a solution that makes us look really, really
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“I go through socks pretty fast because, uh, I change my socks a lot. It’s okay, though. November is coming up soon and I’ll try again then, because of No Nut – shit, I mean, because the weather is cooler and my feet will sweat less. So, like, I won’t need to change socks all the time,” he clarified.
“Jesus fucking Christ, please tell me this isn’t happening,” Jason Rothman (WCAS ’19) said as he shook his head in dismay.
“We just thought that Sect Week would be an amazing opportunity to enlighten students on the differences and similarities between the many branches of Christianity available for their perusing pleasure.”
A DNA test recently revealed that Senator Elizabeth Warren is between 1/64th and 1/1,024th Native American, making her about as racially diverse as Northwestern. Junior Karla Driver was comforted upon hearing the news. “I think it’s important to have politicians who make wild and unsubstantiated claims to Native American ancestry,” said Driver, whose A in her freshman-year Gender and Sexuality Studies class entitles her to comment on most social issues. “We need politicians to look like a classroom on this campus:
“We wanted to distance ourselves from this debate over work culture and proper mental care to focus on what we think the university really stands for. Money.”
“Every time I hear her go ‘Havana ooh nana,’ a little part of me dies inside, and I feel my soul slowly wither away.”
Emerging reports indicate that as part of Sister Jean’s contract, “Northwestern Sex Week” will be officially renamed “Northwestern Fornication-is-a-sin Week.”
“Do I sometimes get jealous of other rankings and their hot Ivy League partners? Sure. But Morty is my man, and I think Northwestern University is a great school to be with,” the ranking said.
“I needed to find a way to make sure we won games,” Fitzgerald said, “and then it hit me, what would happen if we just got some points up on the board, and lo-and-behold, here we are today!”