Ask Flippy: What if President Blank’s Lawn isn’t Large Enough to Protest On? What if Her Windows Shut and Her Doors Lock??
Plus, old white people love their lawns, and I’ve heard that garden gnomes make for great projectiles.
Category Archives: Local
Local South Campus Man’s Legs Too Thin, Gangly to Walk All the Way to Tech
Passersby described him as “pathetic,” and having “limbs that look like a strong breeze could either break them or just blow them off altogether.”
Ask Flippy: My Boyfriend Won’t Stop Screaming U Rah Rah! During Sex, How Do I Make It Stop?
“At first, I didn’t mind, since I’m tremendously committed to school spirit.”
University Answers Mental Health Pleas, Hands Out Adult Coloring Books, Gold Star Stickers
“I wouldn’t have minded more Kleenex, and maybe a little bit of Prozac, but I can’t complain.”
University Rolls Out Squid Game-Style Competition to Secure Spot on CAPS Waitlist
“We’re eliminating so much more than just students,” one local administrator explains. “We’re eliminating the stigma around mental health here on campus. We’re doing real work here.”
Willard Residents Have “Night of Their Lives” After Drinking 2 Truly’s and Singing Showtunes by the Piano
Reports indicate that this party, which lasted through the night (2 AM), was more of a celebration of the theatre (“pronounced thee-ate-her, you classless hack!”), and definitely not a one-up contest of who was the better Tevye in their high school’s production of Fiddler on the Roof.
Ask Flippy: Does she like me, or did she just need the dryer empty?
Before I knew it, I had run out of cool gay fits to showcase
RA’s “Take One” Condom Box Somehow More Full 4 weeks later
“I guess I just didn’t expect my residents to be that unable to get laid.”
Op-Ed: How to Drive a Wedge Between Every Campus Couple So They Can All Be as Sad as You
I conducted a completely unbiased poll sent exclusively to other lonely singles, and—sure enough—we have a scourge of couples on campus.
Northwestern Implements New Rectal COVID Testing
Northwestern Administration figured there may as well be an enjoyable experience at the end of the long-ass wait.