Man in Shorts Seen Crawling to Class with Dignity in Shambles
Nathaniel Bittingerās parents were killed by a pair of jeans.
Category Archives: Local
From The Archives: An Op-ed: Why Do Our Croquet Players Get Donkeys To Ride Around Campus? They Are Dreadful!
They are a plague on this campus – the likes of which have never been and will never be seen again.
Groundhog Day to be replaced with Morty Day where he pokes his little head out of his house
āPlus, this really isnāt so differentāMr. Shapiro nibbles on sticks with the best of āem.ā
COVID test burglary results in one swab for everyone to share
In the aftermath of the theft, the one swab, dubbed āOle Faithfulā, could be found lying underneath the ransacked shelves of its fallen brethren.
Local Mobster Can’t Believe You’re Asking Him If He Stole 4,500 COVID Tests On The Day of His Daughter’s Wedding
āAuthority. Betrayal. And super-spreader events.ā
Ask Flippy: What if President Blank’s Lawn isn’t Large Enough to Protest On? What if Her Windows Shut and Her Doors Lock??
Plus, old white people love their lawns, and Iāve heard that garden gnomes make for great projectiles.
Local South Campus Manās Legs Too Thin, Gangly to Walk All the Way to Tech
Passersby described him as āpathetic,ā and having ālimbs that look like a strong breeze could either break them or just blow them off altogether.ā
Ask Flippy: My Boyfriend Wonāt Stop Screaming U Rah Rah! During Sex, How Do I Make It Stop?
“At first, I didnāt mind, since Iām tremendously committed to school spirit.”
University Answers Mental Health Pleas, Hands Out Adult Coloring Books, Gold Star Stickers
“I wouldnāt have minded more Kleenex, and maybe a little bit of Prozac, but I canāt complain.”
University Rolls Out Squid Game-Style Competition to Secure Spot on CAPS Waitlist
āWeāre eliminating so much more than just students,ā one local administrator explains. āWeāre eliminating the stigma around mental health here on campus. Weāre doing real work here.ā