University Answers Mental Health Pleas, Hands Out Adult Coloring Books, Gold Star Stickers
“I wouldnât have minded more Kleenex, and maybe a little bit of Prozac, but I canât complain.”
Category Archives: Local
University Rolls Out Squid Game-Style Competition to Secure Spot on CAPS Waitlist
âWeâre eliminating so much more than just students,â one local administrator explains. âWeâre eliminating the stigma around mental health here on campus. Weâre doing real work here.â
Willard Residents Have âNight of Their Livesâ After Drinking 2 Trulyâs and Singing Showtunes by the Piano
Reports indicate that this party, which lasted through the night (2 AM), was more of a celebration of the theatre (âpronounced thee-ate-her, you classless hack!â), and definitely not a one-up contest of who was the better Tevye in their high schoolâs production of Fiddler on the Roof.
Ask Flippy: Does she like me, or did she just need the dryer empty?
Before I knew it, I had run out of cool gay fits to showcase
RA’s “Take One” Condom Box Somehow More Full 4 weeks later
âI guess I just didnât expect my residents to be that unable to get laid.â
Op-Ed: How to Drive a Wedge Between Every Campus Couple So They Can All Be as Sad as You
I conducted a completely unbiased poll sent exclusively to other lonely singles, andâsure enoughâwe have a scourge of couples on campus.
Northwestern Implements New Rectal COVID Testing
Northwestern Administration figured there may as well be an enjoyable experience at the end of the long-ass wait.
Morton Schapiro Offers U.S News & World Report ‘One Last Quickie’ Before Retirement
In his last year as the President of the Northwestern University, Morton Schapiro has announced that he will exit with a literal bang. After a series of complicated negotiations that incidentally involves a Flipside negotiator losing his innocence to U.S. President Joe Biden, Morty has finally allowed our journalists to check out the process of his last ditch attempt to bump Northwestern up to #8 on the U.S. News & World Report’s Best Colleges rankings. âYou know, itâs not easy being the
The Rock Revealed to be Kidney Stone Passed by Mr. Medill
âI lost a good amount of blood that night. I was ready to put it behind me. And now you nerds are painting it for acapella auditions.â
âYou Matter,â says President Schapiro as he Snarfs Down Hotdog Number Three of Welcome Back Speech
âOur team has worked very hard on todayâs lunch menu and we hope it will help to foster a brighter, more vibrant community,â he said, while reaching into his coat pocket for a hotdog.