Bummer! Meet Cute Goes Wrong When Both People Are Ugly
“I expected HER to be attractive, so it would be fine that I wasn’t,” said Jones, adjusting his fedora and twirling his handlebar mustache.
Category Archives: Local
Housing Finds 700 Students Partying in Bobb. Later Realizes Many “Students” Were Just Large Rats From The Basement’s Super Colony
While others are on the fence, some residents of Bobb are welcoming the new faces. “The rats are actually all great!” said one resident wearing a suspiciously tall chef’s hat. “Help me…please…” she pleaded, smiling
Burnt-Out Senior Joins 200-Level Poetry Class Butt Naked with Poem About the Futility of Higher Education
“Not even a sweatband with his frat’s logo on it to keep his quarantine haircut out of his eyes!”
Norris Gives All 200 Vaccine Doses To Single Football Player
“I feel fucking amazing,” said Jaxmaxon, whose arms, swollen from the several hundred syringe pokes he received, eclipsed every other part of his body. “This is the physique I’ve been working toward for years now.”
How to Take Him Seriously After You Saw Him Wrestle His Hammock on the Lakefill for 20 Minutes and Then Lose
Maybe he’s never had any trouble getting it up before.
Obit: Local Student Found Dead After Being on Hold with Residential Services About Mold in Bobb for 17 Hours
“By the time it went to voicemail sixteen hours later, spores were already growing out of her corpse.”
Local Student Rests After Long Day of Mansplaining in the Class of 24 GroupMe
“I was a double legacy, so I would definitely say that I know more about Northwestern and being on campus than my peers.”
Jousting Club Endorses J&J Vaccine: “One Jab Shall Do It!”
“Too long hath these Pfizer and Moderna knaves parried with the virus. They flash thine fancy swords and dance around in thine gilded boots, but those swine’s art COWARDS. Sir Johnson shall end it all in a single blow!”
Couple with COVID Probably Having Hot Quarantine Sex in Plex, You’re Having Dining Hall Chickpeas On a Friday Night
Speaking of safety, these active couples aren’t putting it first. But are we really surprised that they’re avoiding protection when they already have a hard time keeping their masks above their noses? Let’s cut them some slack. After all, it’s just not the same with a mask on.
Ask Flippy: Do You Want to See Me Insert This Swab Only an Inch Into my Nostril and Swirl 15 Times? Would You Like That?
“Picture this fever-inducing, body-aching, taste-and-smell-removing scenario in your head, and let me know what you think.”