In response to Northwestern’s historically low acceptance rate this year, the administration has taken drastic measures regarding how they will hand out the coveted, and now very minimal, class of 2026 spots to those on the waitlist.
The statement claimed that the editors of the paper had experienced a “severe lapse in judgment” and that they were “listening and learning” from their “oopsie-daisy uh-oh spaghettio 😢” (emoji included in the statement).
“If I get arrested one more time, my parents are gonna cut my allowance to only 5k a month.”
Northwestern prides itself on being very accessible and accommodating students’ needs, no matter what they are. However, one student’s recent accommodation has administration racing to research this unique condition. “I’m allergic to any dorms that don’t rhyme with Kincoln or Lemper,” a rising sophomore claimed. The student further explained that he needs to be placed in dorms that specifically fit this designation, or else there would be serious consequences. “I would probably spontaneously combust,” the student said, when asked what
To be frank, you need to let go of this aesthetic in your mind. Your man is not cottagecore, he is an engineer.
Let it be known that The Flipside is vocally For-Fapping.
In a press conference, President Michael Schill expressed surprise at the criticism.
“…thin goes for the win.”
It wasn’t easy. Sometimes, I felt my elbows revert to jogging elbows. But I re-focused and got back into my rhythm every time. I had some other struggles when I reached Chicago, such as bumping into people when I followed the lyrics of “slide to the left.” I felt self-conscious when I had to clap my hands in rapid succession – people definitely stared. Yet, through all those trials and tribulations, I persevered. When I completed those 26.2 miles, I cried tears of joy.
Sadly, there were no willing men and, more importantly, no willing sperm.