From The Archives: An Op-ed: Why Do Our Croquet Players Get Donkeys To Ride Around Campus? They Are Dreadful!
They are a plague on this campus – the likes of which have never been and will never be seen again.
Category Archives: Opinion
Op-Ed: My Parents Announced their Divorce, but it’s a Bones Day? A How-to on Navigating Noodle’s Wicked Ways
After reaching out to the pug, who refused to comment, I sat under a tree for 49 days, wailing and tearing my hair, until I reached enlightenment.
Op-Ed: I Just Wanted to Echo What the Other Op-Eds Have Already Said
“Piggybacking off of that, I just think the way they phrased it was really well. Well-phrased. Which time?”
Op-Ed: How to Drive a Wedge Between Every Campus Couple So They Can All Be as Sad as You
I conducted a completely unbiased poll sent exclusively to other lonely singles, and—sure enough—we have a scourge of couples on campus.
Op-Ed: South Campus Men Dress Like a Genie That Comes Out of a Kombucha Bottle
After hunting the sounds of moccasins and fur-lined jean jackets for all of 3 minutes, I found myself standing in what can only be described as a Tame Impala tailgate.
Op-Ed: Chester Cheetah Lowered His Sunglasses and I Was Smote with the Holy Gaze of God
Words cannot describe what I saw or felt in that moment. It was like someone had stabbed Hot Cheetos directly into my eyes—my brain—my soul.
“Sussy” And 50 Other Words I’d Rather Die Than Hear Alvin of Alvin and the Chipmunks Say
“Uwu”
Op-Ed: Top 10 Senses I Acquired after Chewing 5-Gum
Everyone loves that feeling when they have honey all over their hands. I get to have that feeling all the time! Thanks, 5-Gum!
Op-Ed: Hey, Those Cars in the Movie Cars Are Fucked Up, Right? Like, Where Are Their Bones?
The godless abominations have tongues, so they clearly consume some sort of food.
Op-Ed: Yes, My Zoom Photo is My Headshot. I Hate Myself as Much as You Hate Me
I know that people assume I am a pretentious asshole who is completely full of myself. All of these assumptions are valid.