Op-Ed: Yes, My Zoom Photo is My Headshot. I Hate Myself as Much as You Hate Me
I know that people assume I am a pretentious asshole who is completely full of myself. All of these assumptions are valid.
Category Archives: Sci/Tech
Purell Fandom “Displeased” With Culture Going Mainstream
In recent months, the FDA has released several warnings about certain hand sanitizer companies producing faulty content. This downgrade in average quality of hand sanitizer has concerned epidemiologists and doctors alike, but most perturbed are longtime self-proclaimed members of the hand sanitizer fandom. “It’s just disappointing,” said Sandy Teiser, 33. “Even my son, who would never wash his hands when told—let alone use soap—now carries five bottles of half-rate hand sanitizer everywhere he goes. There’s no way to distinguish between
Freshman Outruns Coronavirus in New Back to School Light-Up Skechers
“Once the lights start blinking, it’s a warning to predators and pathogens alike: don’t mess with the Thermoflash.”
Bezos Accidentally Donates $10 Billion To Wrong Amazon
I mean, just look at the names. There’s the Amazon Foundation, which I own, and then there’s the capital T The Amazon Foundation, which is about some big jungle in Mexico or something.
Movie Mishap: Jason Derulo’s Penis Accidentally Edited into Every Shot of Little Women
“Tom was very clear: we are keeping Mr. Derulo’s digital penis saved just in case.”
New Study Finds Cocaine Excellent Replacement For Eating, Sleeping, Blinking, etc.
Americans rejoiced last week as new study conducted by Harvard University concluded that cocaine served as an excellent alternative to mundane bodily tasks such as eating, sleeping, blinking, breathing, and having a pulse. “After we blew through all of the university grant money on low quality blow, we figured we should probably write some of it down” said Isaac Conklin, head researcher on the project. “Our intern Carl was more than happy to let us pump a near-lethal amount of
Gotta Go Fast: Animators Rush to Overhaul Sonic Movie in Month-Long Adderall Bender
“I’m already on Adderall because I have ADHD,” said animator Ryan Fogel, “But I started crushing and snorting it, and oh my GOD it’s so much better!”
New Dating App Matches You with People Who Had the Same Version of the Gen 4 Pokémon Games that You Did
The app only requires you to answer one question: did you have Diamond or Pearl?
NU Researchers Discover Taking DMT Only Way to See the Invisible Spiders Crawling on Everyone’s Skin All the Time
A group of researchers here at Northwestern University has made a huge, and potentially frightening, discovery. Their report claims that there are thousands of invisible spiders crawling all over everyone at all times, and the only way to see them is to take the drug DMT. Foreseeing what they described as “ethical issues” with making civilian subjects take the drug, the researchers elected to perform the test on themselves. The scientists split into two groups, one being the control group
Facebook Rebuilding Trust With Users by Showing Them Everything It Knows About Them
“As if I didn’t trust Facebook enough already,” said Ted Damon, area father, “I can definitely put my faith in it now that it’s showing me how well it knows me.” Prompted for clarification, Damon said, “Who doesn’t love a business that listens to its customers?”