Morty To Become Fourth Jonas Brother In Order To Reduce Debt
At press time, Morty had reportedly compiled a list of potential stage names for himself, with the frontrunner being “Mo Jonas”.
Tag Archives: Morty
Morty Tells Investors That “In Shapiro-Bucks We’re Fine!”
After months of the budget crisis plaguing the university, Northwestern President Morton Shapiro issued a desperate message to investors not to worry because “In Shapiro-Bucks, we’re fine!”.
New Hazing Ritual to Involve Attending A Cappella Concert
“I understand that boys will be boys, but nobody should have to endure the agony of a student a cappella show.”
Morty Tired of Students Only Wanting Him for His Financial Aid
“I don’t understand how 8,000 undergrads can look at me and only see my ten-billion dollar endowment and multi-million annual salary. I’m, like, a really good listener!”
Cold Weather Making Life “Really Hard” for Kids in Thousand-Dollar Jackets
“Making Northwestern a safe place for incredibly rich shitheads is more or less part of our mission statement,” Schapiro said.
Morty Tries To Cut SESP Budget, Surprised To Find It Doesn’t Exist
The School of Education and Social Policy, or SESP, is the latest Northwestern institution to fall victim to the recent wave of attempted budget cuts. However, President Morty Schapiro was shocked to find out that SESP does not have a budget in the first place. In an official statement, Morty expressed his disappointment in light of this startling turn of events. “Not gonna lie, I’m pretty bummed. I was hoping to cop at least a few thousand,” he admitted. “I
Budget Crisis Means Only Holiday Music in Norris is Morty Singing “Little Drummer Boy”
With the budget crisis in full effect, Northwestern might not have anything to deck the halls with, but that hasn’t stopped Northwestern President Morton Schapiro from attempting to spread the good cheer.
Northwestern Professors Now Selling PowerPoint Ad Space to Close Budget Gap
Schapiro insisted that selling ad space is not mandatory. However, his rule that those who did not comply would have to spend a night as a Bobb RA has made PowerPoint ads quite popular among professors.
Schapiro’s “Ofmorty” Joke Falls Flat at Handmaid’s Tale Keynote
At most there were a few sharp inhales, but that was as close to laughter as Schapiro got.
Morty Still Waiting for Class of 2021 to Venmo Him for Hamilton Tickets
After waiting a year for the Class of 2021 to get back to him, Morty Schapiro publicly announced this week that he is still waiting on each and every one of them to Venmo him for the Hamilton tickets from last year. “Listen, I thought I was very clear in how this deal works,” stated a very disgruntled Morty, “I get the tickets, and you guys just Venmo me back the full $200 for your own. Our school is in